


Breathe Me

by TheZeroMoment



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Pre-Season/Series 01, Songfic, sad baby kieren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 16:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2475353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheZeroMoment/pseuds/TheZeroMoment
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Help, I have done it again<br/>I have been here many times before.'<br/>When Kieren first found out about Rick’s death, he didn’t leave his room for three days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe Me

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic inspired by Sia's 'Breath Me'
> 
> First fic in the fandom which I adore.
> 
> TW: suicide, death, starvation, self-harm.
> 
> Kieren walker is a sad baby.
> 
> Enjoy c:

When Kieren first found out about Rick’s death, he didn’t leave his room for three days.

He wasn’t swayed by Jem banging on the door and shouting abuse, or his Mum’s timid knocking and begging him to open the door, or his Dad’s scared but firm demands of ‘Open the damned door Kieren, this is getting stupid.’

 

That night, he didn’t think what he was doing, fumbling with the swiss army knife he’d gotten for his birthday and crying quietly as he’d carved a heart with an ‘x’ through it into his skin, proud of the pain because he deserved it.

 

_Help, I have done it again_

_I have been here many times before_

_Hurt myself again today_

_And the worst part is there's no one else to blame_

The night before Rick left, they were in the cave together, Kieren was laughing over something he couldn’t remember if he tried, White Lightning buzzing through his veins as Rick’s gentle calloused hands brushed his strawberry blonde hair back from his eyes.

Then they kissed... and the simpleness of it all and the love and devotion between them spiralled through Kieren’s nervous system and made him gasp and tears run out of the corners of his eyes, telling Rick how much he loved him, and Rick responded, not in so many words.

 

They had held each other, calm and happy and so painfully in love as the sun rose.

Then he was gone, and Kieren had to walk home by himself, honestly having no clue if what had happened was real or not.

  
  


_Be my friend_

_Hold me, wrap me up_

_Unfold me_

_I am small and needy_

_Warm me up_

_And breathe me._

 

When Rick left, the day after that night, Kieren had pretended it hadn’t bothered him at all, but instead curled up on his bed and cried for two hours straight, stopping only to get up and tear up the painting he had done when he had gotten home yesterday, from third person of Rick and him kissing like lovers would.

 

_Ouch I have lost myself again_

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,_

_Yeah I think that I might break_

_I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

 

He was lured out of his room after those three days of being locked up, doing nothing but painting, drawing Rick, his Rick. He hadn’t slept or ate or drank, instead using the water his Mum left at the door to clean his brushes with and ignoring the food.

 

The days after that were shit.

 

His parents treated him like a easily-scared wild animal, Jem looked at him like he’d betrayed her, half of Roarton looked at him like he was still the same freak he always was and the other half with such sympathy and ‘We know what you’re going through, lad.’ mentality that it made Kieren want to stab them all in the eyes with the blunt ends of his paintbrushes, just to get them to stop staring.

 

_Be my friend_

_Hold me, wrap me up_

_Unfold me_

_I am small and needy_

_Warm me up_

_And breathe me_

 

He had no one now, Rick wasn’t here, his Rick was dead and it was all his fault. Bill Macy would’ve never have shipped his son off to the army that quickly if he hadn’t spent the night with Kieren in the cave.

 

_Be my friend_

 

He couldn’t take it anymore.

 

_Hold me,_

 

He found himself running to their place, the only place Rick had ever been his, swiss army knife in hand. It was the middle of the night and the airy woods were freezing but none of that mattered, he could only feel the cold metal in his hand and the wet tears on his face.

 

_Wrap me up_

  
  


The first cut was like all the previous, on his upper thighs, smooth and shallow and clean, but this time he was sat in the entrance to the cave, where they watched the sun rise through the trees. His hands were shaking even more so when a desperate idea popped to mind.

 

_Unfold me_

 

No one needed him now anyway. He wasn’t strong, or smart, or funny. He’d never get out of the town that hated his guts.

 

_I am small_

 

Rick wasn’t alive, so what was the point of him being alive?

 

_And needy_

 

He smiled almost sadistically as he stabbed at his left wrist, digging the knife into his veins and pulling it downwards, proud of the final piece of art he was making on his skin. He took the knife into his left hand as the blood was beginning to pour down his arm and repeated the process, the nerves of his wrists lighting like fire on dry grass.

 

_Warm me up_

 

The amount of blood was staggering, the amount of pictures he could’ve painted with it was incredible. Black spots appeared in front of his vision, blurring the cave walls and the trees and the grass. He laid back on the wall and closed his eyes.

 

_And breathe me_

 

He’d finally found his relief.

 

 


End file.
